Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
