Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
