I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
