She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
