got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize