apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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