i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
