I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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