When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
