I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
