Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
