Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
