A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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