My girlfriend figured out who you are.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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