my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
