I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
