I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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