Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
