note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
