I wish my penis had an off switch
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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