i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My bed smells like the plague
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