I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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