I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
This is my gift to your gina
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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