I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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