WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
