Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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