im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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