Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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