You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
