tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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