You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
