Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
