Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We are two peas in an std pod
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
