That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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