Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
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