ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
