i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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