gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize