THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
