This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so let's talk penis.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Everclear isn't food dammit
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
