Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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