I cannot find my penis.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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