he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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