Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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