This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
