Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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