When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
