He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
