U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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