And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
