so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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