hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
