you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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