I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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