The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize