U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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