i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
