Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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