I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
