he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
